Sunday, 26 March 2017 11:03

Gwyneth Paltrow: Why Am I So Effing Tired

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Gwyneth launches her newest product line after being named CEO of the company she founded in 2008. The "Why Am I So Effing Tired" handle is really about a new pill that contains a mega dose of Vitamin B, to help people who are suffering from combat stress and fatigue get an energy boost. But wait! There are more!

"The Mother Load" pack is loaded with nutrients to help get new moms back on their feet, and "Balls In The Air" is an antioxidant-rich regiment of beta-carotene, vitamin C, and vitamin E that targets ailments like thyroid dysfunction, autoimmunity, or digestive issues. In the case of the latter packet of pills, it carries a tagline that says, "It plays defense so you can play offense." But wait! There's more!

The "High School Genes" pill is for women who are in perimenopausal or postmenopausal states, and whose metabolism might need a boost. But the genius behind all of these are the doctors who developed these drugs. In the case of this particular pill, it was concocted by Sara Gottfried, a Harvard and MIT-educated physician, who also happens to be the best selling author of "Younger, The Hormone Reset Diet" and "The Hormone Cure."

All of these concoctions are part of a new line of products called "goopwellness," her brainchild for the company Goop that she founded. The fun part of all this for the movie buffs amongst us, is that these naming conventions are not too far off from a movie called "Crazy People." The plot was basically around an advertising executive who went "a little nuts," and then was committed to a mental hospital. His problem? He wanted to tell the truth in advertisements. The twist happens when the inmates start to come up with new truthful ad campaigns that just happen to work really well. No one in the world of advertising could understand the underlying twist of "telling the truth," so they stuck with all of the slogans that the inmates came up with - most of the time. It was hilarious.

The similarities to Gwyneth Paltrow's new naming conventions, immediately took us back to that very politically-incorrect movie. In fact, I would have posted this two days ago, except I keep going through all of the YouTube trailer clips from the movie. So here's hoping that she's rediscovered the true essence of product branding with goopwellness. Personally, the rest of the inmates at our magazine would like to suggest the following blockbusters titles for her new pills:

  • OMG, I really need to find a bathroom quick - an anti-diarrhetic;
  • Reducing hang time off the court - an anti-gas pill;
  • Please take this automatic weapon from me - a decaffeination pill when you've had too much coffee;
  • Slap me on the side of the head - a pill that's guaranteed to keep you awake in meetings; and
  • Hide me in your closet - a pill that targets paranoia.

Some of these may still require her special touch, but we 'get' this new line of miracle drugs.

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